There are 6 ways of not satisfying your need or not enjoying the fact that you have achieved what you want.
Introject
This is the knowledge and beliefs about the world and ourselves that we have adopted from the outside. And not just from words but also from the behavior of others.
For example, the belief “I am not worthy of love” can be introjected from such phrases of parents as “Who would love you like this,” “Good girls don’t behave this way,” “All children are like children, but you?” etc. As a result, a girl may begin to avoid intimacy: not to enter into a relationship at all or choose emotionally unavailable partners.
What to Do With Introjects
Periodically conduct a revision. Ask yourself: why do you act a certain way? Does this belief really resonate with me? Does it help or hinder? Can it be abandoned or replaced by another?
Projection
These are our fantasies and assumptions. This is where we transfer our inner world to the outer world. Sometimes we guess, sometimes not.
For example, someone once hurt you because you enjoy playing the latest online slots, and now other people with a similar appearance, name, or facial expression seem unpleasant, or disturbing. You project your past onto them. When people second-guess others for their feelings, thoughts, and actions, it’s also a projection. “She did it to piss me off.” If you don’t see the reality behind the projection, you can make the wrong decision or miss out on something valuable.
What to Do With Projections
Assign them. Ask yourself how you know this. Especially if something seems self-evident. If at all possible, projections should be checked. Ask directly about what’s bothering you. Don’t rush into labels. Observe, be open to new information and consider it.
Retroflection
When one wants to project something outwardly, but the action either stops or is transferred to oneself. A person lives out what he or she can live with another, inside of him or herself. It is often paired with introjects and projections.
For example, this usually happens with aggression. It either is not expressed at all, or turns into autoaggression: self-hatred, self-abuse, various forms of self-harm. It is possible to stop not only anger, but also joy, love and other feelings.
What to Do With Retroflexion
Ask yourself who you would really like the emotion, thought, or action to go to. Consider if there is a way to do it in an environmentally friendly way. If it’s impossible to express feelings to the recipient, how else can I get them out without hurting myself or holding back?
Merging
It is the blurring of the boundaries between oneself and the world. In confluence, there is no “I” and “you”. There is only one infinite “we.” In confluence, it is difficult to distinguish one’s own needs from those of others, to separate from the other.
For example, a child was not allowed to have an opinion. “We’re going to go to music school.” “No, you don’t want that toy, let’s get out of here,” “Nothing is yours here, this is our apartment.” Growing up, a man goes to medical school to please his parents. And what he himself wants, he no longer knows.
What to Do With Merger
Ask if it’s your desire. Learn to notice body signals that tell you disgust, anger, and vice versa joy, to distinguish the imposed from the sincere. Don’t carry someone else’s part of the responsibility for meeting their needs, and don’t shift your own.
Deflexion
This is a way of avoiding contact in which we direct our attention and energy to something irrelevant to it.
For example, you need to discuss some relationship problems with your partner. But the topic is not easy, it’s scary to approach. So every time you start a conversation, you jump to something else: plans for the weekend, an urgent task at work, a sudden headache, social media or jokes.
What to Do With Deflexion
Track it. Ask myself if my words, emotions, and actions are the same as what’s really inside? What exactly am I trying so hard to distract myself from and what is behind it? How can I make contact with the subject matter less scary and painful?
And sometimes we avoid and distract just out of habit – the skill of returning to the here and now can help with that. It can be honed with meditation and techniques that help you notice your thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations in the moment.
Proflexion
This is when you do for another what you would like to do for yourself. The classic “Treat others as you would have them treat you.”
For example, the typical story of parents and warm clothes. “I’m cold looking at you,” the adults say, wrapping the child in a scarf because they are cold themselves. Or that moment when one partner really wants a surprise from the other and, instead of asking directly, begins to shower him with signs of attention. “I’ll take care of him, then he’ll take care of me in return.”
What to Do With Proflexia
Notice situations in which I try to do good to the other person and they somehow don’t appreciate it. Often they happen precisely because we are trying to satisfy our needs rather than someone else’s. Then you can ask yourself: what deficiency were you trying to fill? And how are you doing with that need?
